take out the reaction of the person on the receiving end of your 'yes' or 'no' decision...

...and you'll learn to trust what you want and need instead of what you think others want you to want.

I found a box of old photos, unorganized, there for no other reason in that it gives me joy to forget about them and discover them again and again. A shot of my dad in his 20s with a very important mustache caption, my grandpa looking charming at a party in the 70s on the porch, my mom and dad’s wedding gifts circa early 70s, and a love letter from my grandpa to my grandma before they were married (previously posted in 2008)- all surreal and lovely and create a non-cohesive story of comfort, family. Below are bits and pieces of the love letters all in one:

Dearest,
One week from today we will be well on our way. Whether north, or south, or east, or west, which direction is the best? Keep on guessing Katie dear, and before very long I'll be near...Freddy and I went to the movies early this afternoon and saw Primrose Path. It made us lonelier...I really felt lonesome about 8 o'clock Saturday night when I usually called you, and I knew you were thinking of me too Katie. I really have missed you so much. All the clothes in the store windows remind me of the things you like and the dresses I hope you can wear. Katie dearest in less than a week we shall be with each other and will have so much to say...I'll write you again before I leave. If you get a chance write me a note in Rochester, a last line for your best boyfriend. I love you dearly. Your, John.

france vs. italy or italy vs. france

I realized a few things during the 'Italy and France shoot adventure' (starting with landing in Milan, driving to Franciacorta, driving to the Cinque Terre coast, ending in Genoa, train to Nice, Italian train strike in Ventimiglia then quick 10 minute 80 Euro cab ride over the border, another train to Nice, a few days there, another train to Paris, drive to Fountainbleau with a little rock climbing on the side, drive to Charles de Gaulle, sit in 3 hours of traffic, flight to SF, mini wine bottles most of the way home):

- Italian drivers are the BEST. They have a mission and they’re not afraid to ride your bumper. I brought back some of the same driving skills to SF. I am the one behind you honking while you do 15 mph in a 40.
- No matter how good your GPS is, you’re probably going to end up on some muddy mountainside road blocked with some mountain animal.
- The more camera gear I carry on my back, the more I will eat pasta and heavy creamy stuff.
- If I have an absolute, nailed down shot list, 99% of the time it’ll be thrown out the window and something even better comes out of shooting in the moment. Less concrete = more fluid = sexier.

detroit rock city.

Detroit. This is where I’ve been shooting for the past week. My friend Shawn inspires me to experience each assignment city so that I don’t fall into the cycle of shooting 10 hour days, back to the hotel, TV, room service, and repeat. So this time, after our shoot wrapped, it was downtown Detroit, totally surreal. Driving through, it felt like a war zone; every other house is abandoned, every other factory is a busted out shell, and some blocks are essentially a modern day ghost town. Because a lot of the buildings are owned by the city, you can easily walk in without technically trespassing. Even if you were, the cops have better things to do then to bust some 5 foot tall lady with a camera. These are from the Fisher Body 21 plant, used for car body assembly, and the Packard Car Plant, once a legend for building high end autos.

All I heard was the sound of dripping water (remains of the storm from the day before), the echo of footsteps, and occasional wind gust.

be small forever

I want to recreate something bigger and brighter and more strange than it really is. This is the only way I feel like I can really make things interesting after the fact. Seeing them in real life is boring. The reality is boring. But when they're recreated, the unreal possibilities can be perfect. I miss the way I saw Paris and Provence when I was little. Everything was like a dream. Why did I remember some things like it was yesterday more than others, like how the cold cobblestone felt on my knees or the sound of the rocks on the beach being sucked back into the sea while my head was under the salty water?

I tried frozen lemons with citron sorbet for the first time. And now what I'll remember is the sound of my spoon scraping the sides of the frozen lemon. We can probably make a tiny symphony with only those sounds - rocks, water, scraping.

A film awakening…

The image of the woman with the pink shirt reminds me of when I was 5 or 6, and we were at a house of my parent’s friend in France. They were gutting a chicken and all the organs were laid out on the table. One of the kids grabbed my hand and said with a cute French accent: ‘touch! touch!’ as I watched her push my finger to put a dent in what looked like a kidney or liver. They were all so slimy and I thought they were going to start moving and crawling off the table.

The image of the table reminds me of the hours and hours we’re ‘forced’ to stay and eat dinner each night. Do you remember what your parents made you eat and you couldn’t leave the table until you finished it? Mine was usually steak, and I remember endlessly chewing until it was completely mushy and tasteless, kind of like chewing on a wet sock.

en français, si vous plait

1. the sound of rolling thunder while the big dog snores on the tiles as you eat bread with honey.
2. thoughts as a run on sentence like this: what if bees wore tiny leisure suits and had tiny briefcases because it's like grand central station and wall street all wrapped in one in a big sunflower field and they are paid in honey!
3. relive your life a second time exploring a tiny detail.
4. chocolate on your face.
5. broken french.
6. melon and croque monsieur and yogurt and rose.
7. delicious.
8. c'est tout.

amazing food for thought from GOOD Magazine....

Let's make better mistakes tomorrow. Let's scratch our heads and give up and wake up and try again. Let's fail at digging the well the first three times to get it right the fourth. Let's build faster horses and then strap rocket ships onto them. Let's start a company, let's watch it fail, and then let's start another one. Let's be the boss. Let's take the boss down. Let's order too much of something just to see what our limits are. Let's take a chance precisely because it might fail. Let's take the hard way out. Let's go to the moon. Fuck it; let's go to the moon again. Let's quit our jobs. Let's work at being better at what we do by fucking up faster, not less. Let's fuck up really fast. Let's wrestle sharks, fight monsters, and disagree with the board. Let's borrow so much money it becomes someone else's problem. Let's start a 10 hour drive by announcing "I'm not into you anymore". Let's dump everything out of the garage onto the sidewalk and build something really cool in that space. Let's start out to build a better mousetrap, and halfway there let's decide to jump on the mice's team. Let's bet on a longshot. Let's buy her a drink. Let's start baking bread in our cubicle. Let's try bringing fresh water to distant villages precisely because we have no idea how to do it. Let's pool our money. Let's take their money. Let's solve that hard problem. You know that one that keeps you up at night? Let's tackle that bastard. Let it kick our ass a few times, and then finally get it right. Let's find out what's at the bottom of the ocean. Let's tame the Kraken. Let's just fucking tell people we've read Infinite Jest and move on. Let's forgive our parents. Let's do something with the goddamed planet. Let's rent an electric generator and open a food cart that sells nothing but frosted PopTarts, but makes a lot of fucking noise. Let's have a breakthrough. Let's have a breakdown. Let's agree that bruises fade, bones heal, hearts mend, and tomorrow we're right back on that horse and that THIS TIME! we've at least got another rocket strapped to it's back.

discovering some old work: 2001 - 2005